Saturday, January 10, 2009

Back from the X-mas Party

Yes, our work Christmas Party was on January 10th.
But that's only the beginning of the screwed up events.

Actually the night started very well. Nice hotel, good dinner, big pile of raffle prizes including TV, shop-vac, crock pot etc...

But dinner ended and the torture began.
First the DJ's speakers started to explode. Every so often when you were least expecting it they'd crackle with the fury of a hundred drunk nuns. I've never seen a drunk nun but I imagine they'd be a mean drunk.
Then the first game was played. A game of hot potato with a nice little present placed on every table.
My wife and I didn't win the present, but then again even the people who won the game didn't really win as the prize was 'Take home the centerpiece'.
Great, a Christmas themed centerpiece in January. We'll just store this in our 'centerpiece drawer' with all the other centerpieces we keep handy.

After that the torture escalated.
A young white guy, an older white guy, and a black guy came in pretending to be Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Sammy Davis Jr.
They did a little 'shtick' for a minute which didn't really bother me although I'm too young to know or care about any of those fine fellas, but then they started to sing.
If singing is what you can call it, cause they were horrible.
I was torn with wild fascination watching the mass of people who decided it would be a great time for a cigarette. That was during Frank and Dean btw, who weren't entirely off-key. Then 'Sammy' started slurring out the 'Candyman'.
He was clearly picked to complete the trio based on his blackness. Call me crazy but they should've held out for a black guy who can also sing well. Oops.
Of course all throughout these 'songs' the speakers were erupting. Remember the drunken nuns?

But then they grabbed a girl out of the audience. It was clear that no one wanted to go up on stage with them but they finally found one who didn't resist too hard and they started to molest her.
Seriously.
Sammy was stroking her hair while Dean made lewd jokes about getting her to sleep with him, then they all started cat-calling and saying 'yeah a curvy girl' *whistle* 'we like those girls with curves eh Sammy?'
I actually hid my eyes. I was embarrassed for all of humanity. There was a song in there somewhere but it was overpowered by the spectacle of sexual harassment.

These guys FINALLY left and we thought the worst was over. Get to the raffle so we can go home. We'd already been there for 2 and a half hours mind you.

No, a new round of fun was set to begin.
They played a movie of a horse race and we were supposed to pick 'our horse' out of a program in the center of each table. Each horse was named after an employee at the company.
Good idea in theory right?

Well no. First they announced that there'd be no prizes for picking the right horse. Just bragging rights. Then they started the race and we realized it was silent. So the whole room sat there in silence while a horse race with no stakes played out almost 200 feet away from us.
Then just when we're calculating to figure out how long this travesty would continue they tell us that there'll be five minutes between each race taking us out to more than 50 minutes of silent horse racing movies with no prizes.
Even that, EVEN THAT, I might have stuck through.

But when Frank, Dean and Sammy came back for round 2 we were OUTTA there.

3 comments:

Brian said...

January 10th.

Paul said...

aww... wth? i thought i fixed that.

Brian said...

In the words of an acient internet meme:
YOU WHERE WRONG.